if I asked you to leave
would you come protect me?
muster the capability
to fulfill my dreams
and be the only man for me

angel, all we need
is a little bit of mystery
and if you’d only ask
for a taste of simplicity
I would be your everything

I never thought
you would come to me
challenge me
baby readily
I know, I know
we were meant to be
be my everything

the highs and lows
are everlasting
in this chance we hold
I know, I know
you could be my everything

You revealed to me
the former grief
ever so deeply
dreaming away
in reprieve
the possibilities
the higher rings
you could be my everything

you could be the one
God sent to me
the man I was born to love
the angel of my dreams
I’d take away your hurt
remove the beams
eye to eye
I know, I know
you could be my everything

(c) Jessica Robbins

an undistinguishable moan
clamored and arose
from hellish burrows below
like a recluctant pan child
grows and grows
he would moan
he would moan

familiar he was, like a treasured secret sight
we would laugh for lucid hours
in the belly of a forgotten night
sounds I wear with contempt delight

but before long, he surrendered to the shadows
a shadow of material assuredness
and in the skies of Helios
the murderous ashes of a Hero
finally rest upon my soot stain toes

what purpose did he serve?
besides his selfish own
he resented his haggard face
and carried heavily his inner scold
when he got old
when he got old

he wore a cape down to my pillow
and his face had a curious glow
his voice was rather morose though
and he forged his very own soul
further into an empty union
from which nothing ever comes
and no man shall ever grow
never to grow
purity does not come
from a camel skank manipulative ho
one more mindless shopping trip
and all of his brains will surely blow!

fear not old caper man!
For your jilted fate has been foretold!
you will die unhappy and desolately old
regretting every dream
your husky heart, ever coy and eternally cold
failed to chase and still dearly longs to hold

awake, awake, for you not yet know
whether you are young enough still
to forsake that predictable restless life of woe

-Jessica Robbins (c) 2011

Death
has got a grip on me
skeletons of sympathy
shake my spirit free

Death
the dark finality
has come to fascinate me
to wait on me

Death
the true reality
grant me pardon
stride on in guiltlessly

Death
the illusion captivates me
entangles me
engenders me

Death
password to infinity
a license to be free
a joyride with amenities

Death
a mirror of modest means
no contest earnestly
the dawn of immortality

-Jessica Robbins

portions of the sunrise
scattered in your sleepy eyes
seldom do we laugh
lest celebrate
on the whirring tea cup rides

grains of seriousness
steadily etching me raw
in a former year
past lives of noble deeds
I was unapologetically vibrant
and all too carefree

I wanted a harmless happiness for myself
unselfishly
craving a sort of well founded home
with a remarkably family
a gentle husband to call my own

but these last few years
of seeing
seeing
has molded me a hapless carcass
a cripple crying shadow
of the unbreakable woman I used to be

I heard some of my records were broken
the strokes I devoted to my youth
it came as indifferent news

My mind was far elsewhere
roaming scenes
the populace shall never believe

How could my future ever be?
knowing there is one person
in the same world
who sees the same dreams

yet in his cranky shell of self
ever discreet
doesn’t remotely care

paying others to form his beliefs
bearing no truth, only more greed
proudly content in belligerence
to let you remain waking
waking
deadly alone

each new light
offers little balm
as the heart slowly loses the will to beat
the nail scars appear on my palm

I have begged and pleaded with God
to blot the memories away
my frail existence
virtually over
before I am made a wife
more like a slave for trade

a sure pure seed
turned from a flowering life
to an old hollow tree stump
that no one visits anymore
constantly weathered and molding away
yet still standing
mostly dead and defying nature

my fate to be sure
an anxious winter grave
waiting for one last heartbreaking dream
before my soul concaves
and flutters wounded away

Final Emotion

I will hand life these crusts
leftovers of what I'd sooner forget
the crust of my worthless dreams
the ones that failed to erect
into a tender destiny
a home I will never know
a woman I will never be

the world is just a fame hungry whore
careless foes and friends demure
fake hair, fake names
no sooner do they carve their shame
into a moonlit star covered door
heaven is closed for now
tomorrow will come no more

for now, my celestial passion
a poison partly starved
teething for a delicate love
the darling I knew from afar

aimless little pasty me
tell me dreary angel
what is it you truly wanted to see?
was I a fool to think
you could ever just love me for me?
based on a bunch of passing dreams

I know all, but mostly i know
I am but a dusty spec
in the eye of a cosmic storm
a rainbow with no golden end
wasted and never fully seen

there is no shelter in a man
and hence no warmth
or fair fulllness to find in me
there is no heart without a taper worm
eating away at the flesh of a final emotion
the last thought to ever think
i licked the barrel a couple of times
and neglected to even blink
dancing closer to suicide’s brink

unreturned affection
go ahead and let the pistol glisten
forever tormented by his condition
illicit love pains
the one that got away
if only for failure to listen
the face he fears to ever caress
let alone mention
I came, I dreamt
in abounding good intention
and after I retire today
I shall love no more
and there will be no final redemption

-Jessica Robbins 11/9/11

You’re all covered in my sadness baby
I can see the sorrow encompassing your soul
like a heavy blue silk
you wear when you want to stay cold

You said I don’t make you stronger darling
bitter and weaker like an abused dog
but I bet she made you spineless and fearful
long before I came to call
And if you can’t dust yourself off
Then has love made a man of you at all?
A fool for your own regret
a prisoner to your own walls
Are you happier in stubbornness?
Does the pride make you feel tall?

Before we say goodbye
i'll paint a reflection in your eyes
we say so little now
but in the still innocence
we find our greatest good

And I would love you if I could
till the dragons fly out of the sky
and burn away old lives
for all the pain your took
I would love you if I could

~Jessica Robbins (C) 2011

I feel like writing something sad
A funeral, a break up, a memory gone bad
i thought once or twice
about a dream i've never had
and after every god damn tear i shed
still the same unchanged face i'm always looking at

Can you sanctify my hurt?
It's like a razor on the sky
Let's make the damage seem less worse
as the stars bleed for you and I
bullets cut across the earth
And i'm still sitting here alone
cause you couldn't put me first

maybe after a few more laugh lines
another disappointment or two
you'll set aside some time
make room for eternal youth
it's always been right here you know
basking on the vine
lending a certain glow

like an island of old witches
waiting to be discovered
wasted your whimsical wishes
on thoughtless trinkets
and unfurled riches

while the treasure of the lamb
went unattended, unguarded
so is the tragedy
of living life half awake, halfhearted

~Jessica

Love letters by night
mutual resolve
forgotten all the hype
laying here thinking
transfixed by his sight
he flies away alone
but i feel him all the time

back into this life
moved the Aurora light
into another room
spring is surely here
to let the mermaids bloom

~Jessica

 

 

 

It was 82 degrees here in Florida today so I went out to the beach and played with my camera...
 

 

I wish I had a husband to send this crap to... 'Hi honey! Please come home!' LOL

Victim's Alleged Failure to Report Stalking Too Familiar, Advocates Say - WNYC

This is exactly why I wrote the cease & desist letter to the crazy man who was harassing me last week

Victim's Alleged Failure to Report Stalking Too Familiar, Advocates Say - WNYC

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I just want to go downstairs and wail into the microphone until it doesn't hurt anymore and I can't feel anything.

I don’t feel like creating
dreaming
anything
anymore

more false hope
and fleeting love
i try every day
but it isn't enough
yeah i give my face in
and i'm still waking up
alone
alone

I'm grounded in a floating God
and all of my hurt
has been laughed off
no one to care for me
no one to care for

I thought I had something special
but then I woke up
I thought I was loved
but it didn't give a fuck

count all the eyes
in suicide
write me a love song
on the day I die
cause i'm giving up
and I'm not, I'm not
waking up

People often ask me "Why are you single?"

Well, the letter below is the gist of why I am single. I went on two innocent dates last week and it escalated into something strange and scary where this guy thought calling my phone once every hour for 2 days straight was proper dating etiquette. So after all of his un-returned calls and a series of emails where this guy reiterated every minuscule detail of random stories I'd shared during lunch, the content below is how I felt compelled to respond to his terrifying advances and end the drama. Enjoy, learn, laugh, whatever....

Going on 2 harmless dates with you does not ever give you a license to smother me and blow my phone up like a relentless, inconsiderate nutcase. You can make excuses and try to rationalize it, but you really destroyed any chance of ever seeing me again because you couldn’t just keep your cool and back off. I think the last thing I said was that I cannot communicate with you much during the week because I have a life with my daughter and I am not going to negate my time or devotion to her because some man decided to be a complete sociopath and place unnerving romantic expectations on my head within a matter of a very short week. I was not even awake those two mornings when you started blowing up my phone initially and then I woke up to all of this stream of bizarre requests and demands and unsolicited offers from you that made me feel very overwhelmed. Normally I do not even dignify that kind of behavior with a response because it's just unacceptable, but damn, now I feel it is necessary to write you and be assertive here to ensure my own immediate safety.

And I never offered you any of that personal information about me to use it as ammunition to shove back in my face when it suited your purpose. That was really tasteless you would suggest I have abandonment issues because of my various family ordeals growing up. What I have survived is absolutely none of your fucking business and I revealed much of that to you simply to make polite conversation because you really weren’t being much of a conversationalist, and I am an animated person and I find some of my life events peaceful and healthy to look at now with some reflective distance and emotional security. But I have never seen anything God has tested me with as any sort of issue or weakness. If you perceive it as such, that is much more your issue and not mine, I assure you.

Further more, stalking women the way you have stalked and pursued contact with me this week is far more serious and dangerous red flag warranting than any of my minor experiences with abandonment or fascination with the dream studies. So maybe take a better look at yourself before you dissect me further because I am really not impressed.

And I would never, ever so much as fathom using something as tragic as your father’s death in a manipulative, chauvinistic, or vindictive way-- just to try to provoke some kind of reaction out of you or accuse you of any sort of personal shortcoming. That was really screwed up you would even resort to that kind of underhanded, contrived tactic and it is very disappointing your mind even works like that and would conceive of misapplying anyone’s personal life details as callous weaponry for selfish motives. You are not going to make me feel vulnerable or intimidate me or make me consent to anything by dragging any of that up in a very inappropriate, bullshit context.

As it is, I am not into this type of dating that feels more like terrorist or hostage negotiations and this is a non-negotiable issue--- you are not welcome in my life or near me and I do not wish to upkeep any form of communication with you. In fact, after the excessively hounding hourly phone calls, texts, and emails and feeling completely bombarded and invaded and terrified of your obsessive, clingy behavior this week, I’d much rather kick you in the nuts and file a restraining order against you than ever even think of sleeping with you.

I am only replying now to establish documentation that I have requested in writing for you to back off and cease and desist all contact with me. If you attempt to engage in harassing behavior any further, I will involve the police because I really am beginning to feel like you are a danger to my personal safety and independent well being. Any competent judge knows and will agree that two dates with a total stranger does not give anyone the right to make another human being feel this fucking terrorized and intruded. Leave me alone. And don’t you ever make reference to any of my friends or family members out of context like that again.

 

I love the smell of clean laundry
the shape of my body
all the mistakes that soon forgot me

but I love your soul more than these
the preciousness of all your gentleness
you moved me from me
in a grasp of destiny
there's no need for names or identity

I never thought
I’d ever find someone
so right for me
but in you I see
I see
what perfect love is meant to be
happy sight, it has to be

when the world was dying
going into that old night
you and I were finding
each other
it felt too right
making up that real life

under the sheets of stars
a world or two away
from lines of grudges and old cars
broken means and painful scars
I never want to leave where you are

you’re the only reality I ever need
a hand that moved me from me
my delicate waiting seed
God must have planted you in me

so let’s grow together angel
grow in love
let the vines get tangled
learn what we thought
we didn’t need to know

every word, every deed
you’re the only reality I ever need
so let us love
let us grow
let us grow

(c) Jessica Robbins

Love letters to a love I cannot hold...

old echo in the walls
black horses slowly fall
God is glory of love and truth to all
Can you hear the call?
Hush...

I have more love than I had yesterday
I have more love and less time to waste
the gravestone is made and waiting
can you carve out the dates?

What I once loved has evaporated
but I found more to love
as I meditated
on truth
and in loving eyes
I saw only love in you
Can you see with eyes of Christ?
I do, I do

(c) 2011 Jessica Robbins

Don’t follow any kind of dream you have when Pluto is squaring the sun, I made an unfortunate free will error today and I literally was able to pin point the disruptive force to a dream I had at the exact moment the sun was squaring Pluto.

I should have read my daily cosmic planner before I did anything, if I’d have read that cosmic warning, I never would have followed that dream. The sun is squaring Pluto, that’s why the dreams decided to fuck me in all the wrong ways today. If I had read this forecast warning beforehand, I never would have gotten up and literally followed the dream, it was the underworld themes screwing with me. I knew Gabriel wouldn’t do that to me. I have been trying to make sense of this all day, I was astonished and dismayed when all of this began to unfold, it didn't make any sense.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I had the dream at the exact moment when the sun was squaring Pluto. That is never the kind of dream to act on, that is a messy alignment, I should have known by how disorganized and deceptive the dream was, but I didn’t know it until it was too late.

I saw myself doing something in the dream and I woke up and did exactly what I saw, it was a natural reflex almost and it backfired on me immensely. Usually the dreams don’t hurt me like that on purpose, but today was different. It felt as though some kind of dark power wanted me to fail and it went out of its way to toss me off course. Throw an underworld theme in like Pluto fucking with the dream life and that would absolutely explain the events of today, it is a recipe for disaster.

I can’t believe I didn’t read this before it was too late. I had no idea what I was doing, I just woke up and started going about my day like I’d seen it in the dream and that was a huge mistake today. A bad dream literally cost me 4 grand. I am trying not to be upset about it, but that money was going to feed Aurora and I for 4 months and now I have no idea what I am going to do.

***This planetary alignment is also partially responsible for the sudden outburst of violence in Egypt. I agree with what the protesters are protesting, but this is a prime example of the more widespread effects. This type of universal influence can have drastic lingering consequences on collective humanity. I am thankful I'm finally aware of this only because I can clearly see it was not isolated to my little dream. Obviously there are larger things happening here in part because of the Sun Pluto tug of war going on. The dream only demonstrates how something astrological can begin on a very basic, unconscious level and then resonate into much deeper pockets of society.

Ok here's the deal. On paper--I have 15 organized tracks in rough draft listing, formatted for this epically innovative album.... an album that's been a few years in the making and mostly nurtured and thriving in the dream stages for a long while now. I have arranged, rehearsed, and recorded the majority of these songs to some extent--acapella, just to establish how it is supposed to flow in theory.

I frequently hear songs and music in the dreams and I wake up and record them exactly how I hear theses ideas fed to me. (Waste not, want not.) Then for good measure, I google the song idea to make sure it's never been done before. Every song I hear in the dreams usually turns out to be original material. Which is good news for me and those smart & insightful souls who end up taking a chance on working with me and manifesting this totally unique project!!

I know as of now, it's still a far fetched and as Aquarius "out there" as it gets, but that's a good thing!! You have to start somewhere and I'd rather do it this way and gradually build the music around it than rush into something and have it sound like forgettable crap!! So hence, I have been taking my sweet ass time in the early developmental stages of the creative process. At least I will be prepared.

Now realistically projecting this, I just have to match the notes and find a group of HONEST people who see the same dream I have for this project & are willing and TRUSTWORTHY enough to help me bring it to life. Notice the key words being HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY. (Easier said than done as I have learned in the past.) Anyway it's a start, I have put in a fair portion of the work thus far and have a solid foundation for a really outstanding album.

If I end up having to doing the whole damn thing by myself, then so be it, but I'm going to do it the right way or die trying.

 

Well I made it through the perpetual heartbreak of waking up last year, let's see how this year goes....