Friday, December 14, 2012

My walk alone with God is coming to a close and now for a funeral decorated with a mourning rose before my time, beyond my time i was here before the same life in another happy score was it more than enough or was is satan calling my bluff i couldn't pull it together once the road became too rough and now satan is calling my bluff -Jessica

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

My ears are burning but my heart is always cold
I'm still young but I've traveled through his old
So many times I put my life on hold
waking and shaking
with visions of reciprocating
I've made mistakes
but there is no mistaking
his love is worth waiting for

I could go anywhere
If only I knew where to go
For a while, I thought he was my home
second chances may never come
after my volcano explodes

she wandered in here and stole my everything
the expressions I'd written
just to keep her fake ring
she can deny it
but my face will never hide it
and I'm sighing
as she's lying
while inside
the most beautiful love I've known is dying


Sunday, September 9, 2012

"For whosoever believeth in Me shall not perish but have everlasting life." ~Jesus

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Love is a constant lesson that can only be lived one day and one dream at a time...

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Respect is a state of mind and a means of self-worth and the only respect you ever need is the respect from your God and your own lovable self. You never need anyone's respect to serve God to the best of your ability or however you feel called! If you know you are honest and in the right, march straight ahead with a happy heart and God shall surely shine His light on you. ____________________________________________________ Remember, having the respect of other humans is not your fuel or your final reward and it never will be. Attaining the respect of your peers is not a true source of satisfaction. That kind of fulfilment can only come from God's love, from loving others very deeply, and from the cycle of spiritual completetion. You are a part of the puzzle that is being constructed to make the picture of God's love--perfect. Don't let anyone stop your from drawing and expressing your portion of the art! ______________________________________________________ I am here to express something I saw in my dreams that no one else can express except for me. What are the things in your life that only you can express? Your expression is just as relevant, important, and essential as any well-known artist and if anyone tells you otherwise, keep them out of your inner circle. You are not going to get where God wants you to be if you listen to the destructive poison some people try to put into your ears. ____________________________________________________ I am the master of myself and it is not up to anyone else to decide for me how I master myself. The "respect" of this world is no gem or bauble and I do not worry myself mad in trying to win respect from anyone. I have learned this along the way-- the people who truly love you, are going to love and respect you-- unconditionally, no matter what you do or say! The people who have learned the lesson to love deeply because it covers and heals a multitude of sins-- will still love you, respectfully, regardless of what you have ever done or said! This is the foundation of God's love and to be under the law of this love means to learn from it.

Friday, June 8, 2012

It's hard to ask for help when for so long, I wanted to be the help, to serve without rewards. I can live on my own, but I find it hard to get to the next level on my own. I can pray, all on my own, but I never want to dream alone or be without his love. I think about him every day, the expressions on his face, the ways he made me laugh. All of the times he's ever come back. I think about what it's like to have found a friend and learned to love him in such a way, that it didn't take a drop of material to facilitate. I cry every night I am awake without him. I struggle and suffer through the days and then weep myself to sleep so we can be together again in our dreams. Usually, he's still there waiting for me. I've tried to let it go, to not know, to numb myself, to blow my heart to hell, but I can't forget how much he means to me. We had a oneness of purpose somehow that didn't require any questions because when I am with him I always know and he's the only place I want to be. We didn't just finish each others sentences, we finished each others thoughts and visions. I know not what more completion I shall ever find in life. I came home and vowed to move on, but my heart is stubborn and my purpose is out of stagnant sorts if I can't fall asleep and hug him like that and let him know how much I care for him.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I fell through Gods hands and flew. Flew like only angels can. Yet, I am not an angel nor much of a man. I tried to teach him, but I don't think he wants to be taught. He looked at me like I was the crucifed Son of God. He doesn't believe with the conviction and trepidation that I do. But I made him change and grow even thoguh for the longest time, he refused to. He's a lone old crow that let his divinity go, while drawing nearer and nearer to people who do not give life, but extinguish it with tangible things and double edged restraints that can only be complied with while he is awake. I squeezed the heaven that I gave and let it die when my eyes found the light. No sooner did I unearth, a liberated internal church. A place where children gather and laugh and delight in crafts and games to help the time pass. Before the world eats them.

Friday, May 4, 2012

I ended my relationship with Adam last weekend. I feel relieved and vacant at the same time. Towards the end, he would come at me with this hostility and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He kept taking his stresses out on me and was constantly argumentative. He learned the hard way why it is better not to pick a fight with me. I remember early in the relationship, he turned around and blew up at me just for making a suggestion to put ice in the cooler before we loaded the boat. When he yelled at me like that, I knew that I would never be able to marry him. Sometimes I feel I am like a fragile butterfly that is only meant to live so long, just for people to admire fluttering in the distance, but never truly tame or capture.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I should go away. Somewhere to a place beyond appearances and feelings of displacement and yearn. A hammock where I can rest and be alone. Stretched limits of blackness, the unknown eyes of swirling stars. Just escape the earth bound storms. Reposed in formless form. And never to think on lust or exclusion or scorn. -Jessica I don't know why the format is not cooperating in here. I guess no one and nothing wants to cooperate anymore. I don't know what I am doing down here anymore, my life serves me better with stillness and sleep. I am severed from humanity and embraced by God and his people have forgotten how to love, and only taunt and mock.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I gave you fleeting looks. and went on the kinds of cringes and binges you despise. as you bent me over once or twice. consumed the liquor. that once poured your vibrant life. before you became the root of all hell. a torment I see and know inside. when your fickle cock starts to swell. like hurricane tides at sun rise. rolling in sounds of sex. squishy but ever serene. like we promised in the dream. that we won’t die to each other. Ever. let death for us be reluctant and shy for we meet again night, by baited night in heaven’s shifty eye. baby how was I to realize the apparition of your love, all mine was my sinister angel in disguise. how can the one who hurts and curdle spite be that same old gloomy ghost I see with oiling eyes? eyes of love, eyes of fate eyes bluer than a frosty lake. this is the man God sent to kiss my fate? this is the man I love so much to hate? then give me such duplicity over and over in one more night of our mistakes. he used to stand tall bore a peculiar bred gall in his marooned skull the hardened place bound by mossy walls but now he slouches like a lark and when he sees me, he bends me stark and lets his filmy white film fall on my holy wet arc The End. xoxox Love, Jessica Leigh (c)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

"If the world hates you, know that it hated me before it hated you." -Jesus
John 15:18

"Dread not, neither be afraid of them. The Lord your God goes before you, He shall fight for you." -Deuteronomy 1:29

"Many shall be purified and made white and tested, but the wicked shall do wickedly; and none of the wicked shall understand, but the wise shall understand." -Daniel 12:10

"But if I do the works of my Father, though you believe me not, believe the works that you may know, and believe that the Father is in me, and I in Him." -Jesus John 10:38

"For I came down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him that sent me." -Jesus John 6:38

Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

Friday, February 10, 2012


This is what a week of swimming does for me! One week! I just had a birthday, swam for over 2 hours as a present to myself, but despite another year on the calendar, I feel healthier and more youthful than ever! Off to get my run in before I have to pick up Aurora from school! xoxo
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Monday, February 6, 2012

I got back into the pool and started swimming again. My first love- swimming. It's such a blessing to be able to approach it on my own terms at this stage of my life. The water is always there for me when I decide to come back to it and in the chlorinated water, I am free to blissfully tune out all of the other static and background noises of the world. Stillness doesn't evade me when my soul is submerged in water. I feel how much God loves me when I'm swimming.

Life isn't supposed to be an easy race. One of my Edgar Cayce readings said, "Those who would gain the greater, suffer the more."

I don't dwell on the suffering. I might be too detached from it at times. Swimming releases me from my suffering by channeling everything that is perfected and balanced in me. It offers me an order, peace, and holistic solitude in a way which nothing else ever will. Adam may never understand why I had to quietly walk away and resume my life, but once I was back in the water where I belong, I felt only gratitude for the events that have all lead up to now.

Self-understanding is a gift that gives your soul wings. In the water, I understand that I am resilient and humble and determined and eternally vivacious and playful. The critically important detail of my life is that I have never given up. Any confrontation or trial, I have met with rectitude grace from my Jesus and I always manage to dust myself off and uncover a fuller, more adept version myself, mingling in the plight of destiny.

One of the earnest lessons I've learned thus far is that you must be careful with whom you share and entrust your dreams with. Your dreams are yours and that makes them sacred. The people I dearly love in my life, may never understand or relate to my dreams. Those who have tried to graze on my soul, have raised the dream topic with me as a way of creating false intimacy or condemning my expertise. I'm fiercely guarded against such intrusions at this state. I always say that if people do not wish to learn from you, they should peacefully depart from you and let you be. Jesus even, tried to shield himself from the naysayers who doubted and tried to derail Him from His work. If he heard their doubts or harsh feedback, he showed them the door and didn't allow them to witness the miracles he performed. I learn more from this example every single day.

When I was little, it was my mom's dream for me to go to the Olympics to compete in swimming. Granted, I love swimming, but swimming with so much pressure from parents and coaches became stressful and when anything in life becomes a source of stress, it steals the pleasure and enjoyment right out of it. I used to compete because it was fun, but when people began dying and I began drinking to dilute my depression, swimming was no longer fun and so I walked away from the sport.

When I didn't live up to my mom's dream for me, she branded me a failure and pretty much told me I would never amount to anything if I didn't swim. That was her dream for me. I wanted to make it to the Olympics, but I didn't want to sacrifice having a life outside of the pool and swimming was my only life for a long while, which bred a certain contempt for it. I did my best to nurture the Olympic dream for a while, most of my young life, until one day I grew up and realized-- That had never been a dream I planted in myself for myself, the fantasy of gold medals hanging around my neck and deals with Nike and Speedo--those were my Mom's dreams for me.

Don't let people project meaning into your dreams or send you chasing dreams that were never really yours. You are the only one who can define what the dreams mean to you and how to apply them to your life. The dreams are miracles you create and just like Jesus didn't let everyone watch him work the wonders, don't let people know the miracles of your divine dreams. I have a beautiful dream life that has offered me love and growth and challenges and a wealth of learning and I learned the hard way, why it's best not to reveal these personalized dreams to curious outsiders. Dream haters are real in the world. The do not want your dreams to become realities and they will say or do anything to stop you from manifesting your dreams. Don't share your dreams or give them away to people who are not equipped to receive or hear or cherish your dreams. Let them be between you and God if you have to, but you must safeguard against the dream haters who seek to deter the living dreamers from fulfilling the prophecy of the dreams.