Thursday, November 12, 2009

I am trying to replace the grief with God, but it is really challenging for me right now. Jesus was the master of replacing grief with God. He was talking to me in the tub last night, we had one of our moments, and momentarily I was subdued into the tranquility that only comes with him. But now, I am experiencing some kind of love sickness mixed with other people projecting clouds gloom onto me. I don't want to hash the messy details, I don't want to depress anyone, but let's just say I have been absorbing too much of other peoples emotions. I have no affection for these feelings, I am just trying to let them explode all over my face into reasonless tears so I don't have to feel. I don't like it when other people who are like me pick up on what I am thinking or feeling, I don't want to telepathically impose on anyone or be responsible for someone confusing my thoughts or emotions with their own. I wish I knew how to stop the energy from escaping or had more control over my own abilities...or could turn them off and just sleep without seeing. I am telereceptive to the point I cannot sleep because of the intensive volume of all the static. I dream so vividly that I don't know that my brain is ever fully still enough. I just want to know the stillness.

To top off my cake of medium gloom, I went delete happy trying to make room on my computer and I deleted some of my sung poetry. I think most of it was junk, just raw bites of me cover singing pre-existing songs, but if I erased any of my own original sung poetry, then it is something of a loss. Some of the poems I did not write down, I recorded the song on the sad little speaker mic on my computer and figured I'd go back and write it down later. I don't know how to feel about the poetry anymore. I listened to some of the songs and I don't know who I am. I don't recognized my voice, I don't feel connected to the words, I just feel distant to everything. I hate the distance in myself and the distance between us. It's like my body is rejecting whatever remains of any ego I did or didn't have.

1 comment:


    sorry bout that... its hard to explain. but maybe sometime i can *shrug* just figured id give you a link.