Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Vacuum of Verse

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When the embarrassment subsides
perhaps I'll wake up to the perfect life
I watched illogical imagination slowly die
in a hapless August sunrise
Surprised the lack love in my life
didn't murder it long ago
the blade of truth bit my palm after an omen of hope let go

I know not the day I kissed her goodbye
but now I never see the look of delight in my eye
the extrinsic enthusiasm i painted as a child
has been squandered on men I haven't spoken to in a while
those doors were crazy glued shut
and when i wake up, i don't give a flying fuck
yet when i think too much
i scroll through the black book of past loves
and wonder if I missed writing a genuine love story
as opposed to the abuse and pain constantly unfolding before me
now it seems an inkling of a fairytale
is like weaving a cheap, eggless basket
you'd rather be fishing
while I snuggle up in a casket

late into the hours of a Bahama night
angels come to me ringing secrets of starlight, forbidding sleep
only after I've found it i discover I'm not asleep at all
but tucked in altruistic arms of dream friends
the only people left to pray for me when i fall
far, far, far from grace
no means to a fast end and no more love to taste

long after i wake up
i feel invisible angels floating, dream between dream
rut between rut
always hearing the voices of fate
and crying for other people's mistakes

i never feel sorry for myself
no desire to revisit that hell
i can't pander my pity when I'm not awake
i feel peace all around me to the point of nothingness
I've been alone so long I've forgotten how God wants me to kiss

i got so dirty and gritty that i couldn't see my own skin
rushed up the stairs with sore limbs
slammed another door that wouldn't let me in
flipped on the faucet and prayed again
undressed quickly and tossed the sweat soaked clothes to the floor
the water couldn't clean me fast enough when they called me a whore
i could feel my bones vibrating as I begged Jesus to keep me level
to balance my sobriety, my emotions, my scattered thoughts
keep me on an even keel of health and banish the devil
the world of chaos spins so fast
that I know not who it rotates for anymore
God or a master of illusion knocking on a sinners door

In a shower of suicide I heard them talk about me
he was right, i wanted to do it so bad i could taste my brain bleed
i didn't want to sow seeds or grow life in a tainted reality
i only wanted to end the illusion of me

2009(C) Jessica Robbins

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