It's hard to ask for help when for so long, I wanted to be the help, to serve without rewards. I can live on my own, but I find it hard to get to the next level on my own. I can pray, all on my own, but I never want to dream alone or be without his love. I think about him every day, the expressions on his face, the ways he made me laugh. All of the times he's ever come back. I think about what it's like to have found a friend and learned to love him in such a way, that it didn't take a drop of material to facilitate. I cry every night I am awake without him. I struggle and suffer through the days and then weep myself to sleep so we can be together again in our dreams. Usually, he's still there waiting for me. I've tried to let it go, to not know, to numb myself, to blow my heart to hell, but I can't forget how much he means to me. We had a oneness of purpose somehow that didn't require any questions because when I am with him I always know and he's the only place I want to be. We didn't just finish each others sentences, we finished each others thoughts and visions. I know not what more completion I shall ever find in life. I came home and vowed to move on, but my heart is stubborn and my purpose is out of stagnant sorts if I can't fall asleep and hug him like that and let him know how much I care for him.

I fell through Gods hands and flew. Flew like only angels can. Yet, I am not an angel nor much of a man. I tried to teach him, but I don't think he wants to be taught. He looked at me like I was the crucifed Son of God. He doesn't believe with the conviction and trepidation that I do. But I made him change and grow even thoguh for the longest time, he refused to. He's a lone old crow that let his divinity go, while drawing nearer and nearer to people who do not give life, but extinguish it with tangible things and double edged restraints that can only be complied with while he is awake. I squeezed the heaven that I gave and let it die when my eyes found the light. No sooner did I unearth, a liberated internal church. A place where children gather and laugh and delight in crafts and games to help the time pass. Before the world eats them.

I ended my relationship with Adam last weekend. I feel relieved and vacant at the same time. Towards the end, he would come at me with this hostility and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He kept taking his stresses out on me and was constantly argumentative. He learned the hard way why it is better not to pick a fight with me. I remember early in the relationship, he turned around and blew up at me just for making a suggestion to put ice in the cooler before we loaded the boat. When he yelled at me like that, I knew that I would never be able to marry him. Sometimes I feel I am like a fragile butterfly that is only meant to live so long, just for people to admire fluttering in the distance, but never truly tame or capture.

I should go away. Somewhere to a place beyond appearances and feelings of displacement and yearn. A hammock where I can rest and be alone. Stretched limits of blackness, the unknown eyes of swirling stars. Just escape the earth bound storms. Reposed in formless form. And never to think on lust or exclusion or scorn. -Jessica I don't know why the format is not cooperating in here. I guess no one and nothing wants to cooperate anymore. I don't know what I am doing down here anymore, my life serves me better with stillness and sleep. I am severed from humanity and embraced by God and his people have forgotten how to love, and only taunt and mock.

I gave you fleeting looks. and went on the kinds of cringes and binges you despise. as you bent me over once or twice. consumed the liquor. that once poured your vibrant life. before you became the root of all hell. a torment I see and know inside. when your fickle cock starts to swell. like hurricane tides at sun rise. rolling in sounds of sex. squishy but ever serene. like we promised in the dream. that we won’t die to each other. Ever. let death for us be reluctant and shy for we meet again night, by baited night in heaven’s shifty eye. baby how was I to realize the apparition of your love, all mine was my sinister angel in disguise. how can the one who hurts and curdle spite be that same old gloomy ghost I see with oiling eyes? eyes of love, eyes of fate eyes bluer than a frosty lake. this is the man God sent to kiss my fate? this is the man I love so much to hate? then give me such duplicity over and over in one more night of our mistakes. he used to stand tall bore a peculiar bred gall in his marooned skull the hardened place bound by mossy walls but now he slouches like a lark and when he sees me, he bends me stark and lets his filmy white film fall on my holy wet arc The End. xoxox Love, Jessica Leigh (c)

"If the world hates you, know that it hated me before it hated you." -Jesus
John 15:18

"Dread not, neither be afraid of them. The Lord your God goes before you, He shall fight for you." -Deuteronomy 1:29

"Many shall be purified and made white and tested, but the wicked shall do wickedly; and none of the wicked shall understand, but the wise shall understand." -Daniel 12:10

"But if I do the works of my Father, though you believe me not, believe the works that you may know, and believe that the Father is in me, and I in Him." -Jesus John 10:38

"For I came down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him that sent me." -Jesus John 6:38