I went to visit my grandmother's grave on a cold fall crisp day. There was no one left for me to talk to. She always had a way of understanding, of coddling my pain, of making me happy effortlessly. When I was with her I felt the world was safe as she only strived to make me feel loved and devoted herself to serving my family. My Grandfather always used to call her, "Honey," so before long, all of her grandkids would affectionately refer to her as, "Grandma Honey." She was a sweet woman, just the same, so full of grace, so demonstrative of faith. She had an abundance of love and resourcefulness and determination to exhibit life in a way I don't know if I have ever been able to express entirely to another living soul. She was married to my grandfather for 53 years...they were giddy and flirtatious and affectionate and considerate and uplifting and eternally in the kind of love that makes you wish you knew it for your own or could put it in a bottle and sell to drink and taste, just to experience the rich lasting flavor. I stood by her grave all alone as the wind batted at my face and tossed my hair behind me. None of the flowers on any of the graves appeared to be real, they were all silk and collecting dirt and debris from being unattended and neglected for so long. I tried to picture my grandmother's face as I'd seen it in dreams after she'd passed...so fine and inviting and full of truthfulness and that knowing grin, confident she always had. I wondered how my grandfather had made it so many nights without the pureness of her gentle love. She was untouched by desires of the world...she never asked for much....she never wanted to travel with my grandfather...she liked to stay at home tending to her garden and cook and sew and read all day. The times she would write, she wrote only love stories about her love for my grandfather, some of which were not truly matured and adequately compelling until she was composing them at his hospital bed when he was 79 years old and in the midst of open heart surgery. She jotted down every recollection she had of their life together, as well as kept track of his condition and progress as they slowly upgraded his condition and stabilized him. I've never seen a more loyal human being. They were never harsh on each other...I never heard or saw them ever speak an unkind word to one another...I don't think an unkind word ever went out of my grandmother's mouth and my grandfather has gotten onto me several times for using foul language just for saying "hell." He would edit my poems for me and change any curse words to "heck" or "shoot" or "dang it." I don't feel like writing anymore...I don't feel like living anymore...I just want to go home and be done here and be back with my grandmother. I'm tired of people who don't know me prying into my life and attacking me and putting words in my mouth and trying to pass the love and poetry in my heart off as their own. I don't know how the person who sees my dreams could ever stay with a terrible excuse for a human being like that after he wakes up from our love... I do not know anymore, I don't want to stick around to wonder any longer.... I am tired, I am fed up, I am done being patient with it. There is a difference between being a healthy person who writes and creates your own work and then being a very sick person who tries to pass other people's love poems off as their own just to keep their broken joke of a loveless marriage going and some people do not know the difference.

I don't know what love is left in the world for me.... Heaven has opened its arms completely.... summoning me by the sound of my own song..... to come home and hang my harp.... the only residence my soul belongs.... So what love left in this world is there for me? .... Nothing to cradle me, not even the adulterer of my dreams .......... They judge me by my past.... they judge me by my hair..... they compare me to other people ..... just because i am the red of a flare ..... they judge me and keep me from my own dreams.... severed and torn from seam to seam.... no, no ..... even my own dreams do not want or love me.... even my own dreams find something wrong with me .... my dreams of mutual knowingness and peace.... thought lust in adultery was worth more flattery.... than tiny, pathetic, unlovable meaningless me ..... what dream could this be to me?.... A dream of despair and emptiness ..... of being ignored, forgotten, and cast aside .... as i make way, I pray to die .... i will be alone, i will be comfortless .... i will reside by myself.... in green weepy mists..... for there is no promise of a future.... in an empty nighttime kiss .......................... -Jessica

My walk alone with God is coming to a close and now for a funeral decorated with a mourning rose before my time, beyond my time i was here before the same life in another happy score was it more than enough or was is satan calling my bluff i couldn't pull it together once the road became too rough and now satan is calling my bluff -Jessica

My ears are burning but my heart is always cold
I'm still young but I've traveled through his old
So many times I put my life on hold
waking and shaking
with visions of reciprocating
I've made mistakes
but there is no mistaking
his love is worth waiting for

I could go anywhere
If only I knew where to go
For a while, I thought he was my home
second chances may never come
after my volcano explodes

she wandered in here and stole my everything
the expressions I'd written
just to keep her fake ring
she can deny it
but my face will never hide it
and I'm sighing
as she's lying
while inside
the most beautiful love I've known is dying

-Jessica

"For whosoever believeth in Me shall not perish but have everlasting life." ~Jesus

Love is a constant lesson that can only be lived one day and one dream at a time...

Respect is a state of mind and a means of self-worth and the only respect you ever need is the respect from your God and your own lovable self. You never need anyone's respect to serve God to the best of your ability or however you feel called! If you know you are honest and in the right, march straight ahead with a happy heart and God shall surely shine His light on you. ____________________________________________________ Remember, having the respect of other humans is not your fuel or your final reward and it never will be. Attaining the respect of your peers is not a true source of satisfaction. That kind of fulfilment can only come from God's love, from loving others very deeply, and from the cycle of spiritual completetion. You are a part of the puzzle that is being constructed to make the picture of God's love--perfect. Don't let anyone stop your from drawing and expressing your portion of the art! ______________________________________________________ I am here to express something I saw in my dreams that no one else can express except for me. What are the things in your life that only you can express? Your expression is just as relevant, important, and essential as any well-known artist and if anyone tells you otherwise, keep them out of your inner circle. You are not going to get where God wants you to be if you listen to the destructive poison some people try to put into your ears. ____________________________________________________ I am the master of myself and it is not up to anyone else to decide for me how I master myself. The "respect" of this world is no gem or bauble and I do not worry myself mad in trying to win respect from anyone. I have learned this along the way-- the people who truly love you, are going to love and respect you-- unconditionally, no matter what you do or say! The people who have learned the lesson to love deeply because it covers and heals a multitude of sins-- will still love you, respectfully, regardless of what you have ever done or said! This is the foundation of God's love and to be under the law of this love means to learn from it.