People often ask me "Why are you single?"

Well, the letter below is the gist of why I am single. I went on two innocent dates last week and it escalated into something strange and scary where this guy thought calling my phone once every hour for 2 days straight was proper dating etiquette. So after all of his un-returned calls and a series of emails where this guy reiterated every minuscule detail of random stories I'd shared during lunch, the content below is how I felt compelled to respond to his terrifying advances and end the drama. Enjoy, learn, laugh, whatever....

Going on 2 harmless dates with you does not ever give you a license to smother me and blow my phone up like a relentless, inconsiderate nutcase. You can make excuses and try to rationalize it, but you really destroyed any chance of ever seeing me again because you couldn’t just keep your cool and back off. I think the last thing I said was that I cannot communicate with you much during the week because I have a life with my daughter and I am not going to negate my time or devotion to her because some man decided to be a complete sociopath and place unnerving romantic expectations on my head within a matter of a very short week. I was not even awake those two mornings when you started blowing up my phone initially and then I woke up to all of this stream of bizarre requests and demands and unsolicited offers from you that made me feel very overwhelmed. Normally I do not even dignify that kind of behavior with a response because it's just unacceptable, but damn, now I feel it is necessary to write you and be assertive here to ensure my own immediate safety.

And I never offered you any of that personal information about me to use it as ammunition to shove back in my face when it suited your purpose. That was really tasteless you would suggest I have abandonment issues because of my various family ordeals growing up. What I have survived is absolutely none of your fucking business and I revealed much of that to you simply to make polite conversation because you really weren’t being much of a conversationalist, and I am an animated person and I find some of my life events peaceful and healthy to look at now with some reflective distance and emotional security. But I have never seen anything God has tested me with as any sort of issue or weakness. If you perceive it as such, that is much more your issue and not mine, I assure you.

Further more, stalking women the way you have stalked and pursued contact with me this week is far more serious and dangerous red flag warranting than any of my minor experiences with abandonment or fascination with the dream studies. So maybe take a better look at yourself before you dissect me further because I am really not impressed.

And I would never, ever so much as fathom using something as tragic as your father’s death in a manipulative, chauvinistic, or vindictive way-- just to try to provoke some kind of reaction out of you or accuse you of any sort of personal shortcoming. That was really screwed up you would even resort to that kind of underhanded, contrived tactic and it is very disappointing your mind even works like that and would conceive of misapplying anyone’s personal life details as callous weaponry for selfish motives. You are not going to make me feel vulnerable or intimidate me or make me consent to anything by dragging any of that up in a very inappropriate, bullshit context.

As it is, I am not into this type of dating that feels more like terrorist or hostage negotiations and this is a non-negotiable issue--- you are not welcome in my life or near me and I do not wish to upkeep any form of communication with you. In fact, after the excessively hounding hourly phone calls, texts, and emails and feeling completely bombarded and invaded and terrified of your obsessive, clingy behavior this week, I’d much rather kick you in the nuts and file a restraining order against you than ever even think of sleeping with you.

I am only replying now to establish documentation that I have requested in writing for you to back off and cease and desist all contact with me. If you attempt to engage in harassing behavior any further, I will involve the police because I really am beginning to feel like you are a danger to my personal safety and independent well being. Any competent judge knows and will agree that two dates with a total stranger does not give anyone the right to make another human being feel this fucking terrorized and intruded. Leave me alone. And don’t you ever make reference to any of my friends or family members out of context like that again.

 

I love the smell of clean laundry
the shape of my body
all the mistakes that soon forgot me

but I love your soul more than these
the preciousness of all your gentleness
you moved me from me
in a grasp of destiny
there's no need for names or identity

I never thought
I’d ever find someone
so right for me
but in you I see
I see
what perfect love is meant to be
happy sight, it has to be

when the world was dying
going into that old night
you and I were finding
each other
it felt too right
making up that real life

under the sheets of stars
a world or two away
from lines of grudges and old cars
broken means and painful scars
I never want to leave where you are

you’re the only reality I ever need
a hand that moved me from me
my delicate waiting seed
God must have planted you in me

so let’s grow together angel
grow in love
let the vines get tangled
learn what we thought
we didn’t need to know

every word, every deed
you’re the only reality I ever need
so let us love
let us grow
let us grow

(c) Jessica Robbins

Love letters to a love I cannot hold...

old echo in the walls
black horses slowly fall
God is glory of love and truth to all
Can you hear the call?
Hush...

I have more love than I had yesterday
I have more love and less time to waste
the gravestone is made and waiting
can you carve out the dates?

What I once loved has evaporated
but I found more to love
as I meditated
on truth
and in loving eyes
I saw only love in you
Can you see with eyes of Christ?
I do, I do

(c) 2011 Jessica Robbins

Don’t follow any kind of dream you have when Pluto is squaring the sun, I made an unfortunate free will error today and I literally was able to pin point the disruptive force to a dream I had at the exact moment the sun was squaring Pluto.

I should have read my daily cosmic planner before I did anything, if I’d have read that cosmic warning, I never would have followed that dream. The sun is squaring Pluto, that’s why the dreams decided to fuck me in all the wrong ways today. If I had read this forecast warning beforehand, I never would have gotten up and literally followed the dream, it was the underworld themes screwing with me. I knew Gabriel wouldn’t do that to me. I have been trying to make sense of this all day, I was astonished and dismayed when all of this began to unfold, it didn't make any sense.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I had the dream at the exact moment when the sun was squaring Pluto. That is never the kind of dream to act on, that is a messy alignment, I should have known by how disorganized and deceptive the dream was, but I didn’t know it until it was too late.

I saw myself doing something in the dream and I woke up and did exactly what I saw, it was a natural reflex almost and it backfired on me immensely. Usually the dreams don’t hurt me like that on purpose, but today was different. It felt as though some kind of dark power wanted me to fail and it went out of its way to toss me off course. Throw an underworld theme in like Pluto fucking with the dream life and that would absolutely explain the events of today, it is a recipe for disaster.

I can’t believe I didn’t read this before it was too late. I had no idea what I was doing, I just woke up and started going about my day like I’d seen it in the dream and that was a huge mistake today. A bad dream literally cost me 4 grand. I am trying not to be upset about it, but that money was going to feed Aurora and I for 4 months and now I have no idea what I am going to do.

***This planetary alignment is also partially responsible for the sudden outburst of violence in Egypt. I agree with what the protesters are protesting, but this is a prime example of the more widespread effects. This type of universal influence can have drastic lingering consequences on collective humanity. I am thankful I'm finally aware of this only because I can clearly see it was not isolated to my little dream. Obviously there are larger things happening here in part because of the Sun Pluto tug of war going on. The dream only demonstrates how something astrological can begin on a very basic, unconscious level and then resonate into much deeper pockets of society.

Ok here's the deal. On paper--I have 15 organized tracks in rough draft listing, formatted for this epically innovative album.... an album that's been a few years in the making and mostly nurtured and thriving in the dream stages for a long while now. I have arranged, rehearsed, and recorded the majority of these songs to some extent--acapella, just to establish how it is supposed to flow in theory.

I frequently hear songs and music in the dreams and I wake up and record them exactly how I hear theses ideas fed to me. (Waste not, want not.) Then for good measure, I google the song idea to make sure it's never been done before. Every song I hear in the dreams usually turns out to be original material. Which is good news for me and those smart & insightful souls who end up taking a chance on working with me and manifesting this totally unique project!!

I know as of now, it's still a far fetched and as Aquarius "out there" as it gets, but that's a good thing!! You have to start somewhere and I'd rather do it this way and gradually build the music around it than rush into something and have it sound like forgettable crap!! So hence, I have been taking my sweet ass time in the early developmental stages of the creative process. At least I will be prepared.

Now realistically projecting this, I just have to match the notes and find a group of HONEST people who see the same dream I have for this project & are willing and TRUSTWORTHY enough to help me bring it to life. Notice the key words being HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY. (Easier said than done as I have learned in the past.) Anyway it's a start, I have put in a fair portion of the work thus far and have a solid foundation for a really outstanding album.

If I end up having to doing the whole damn thing by myself, then so be it, but I'm going to do it the right way or die trying.

 

Well I made it through the perpetual heartbreak of waking up last year, let's see how this year goes....